Many Humbled Frustrations

Hey guys! This is another wonderful update from Duc. Since my last update, I mentioned that I still have some more people I wanna introduce to you. Well, here’s the rest of em (my mentor’s family of course).

I guess we’ll start like we always do, from the left to the right. The first girl you’ll see is Holly. She’s the Bill’s eldest daughter. I don’t really know her that well because she’s kind of a shy person. But I think she’s around 13 years old (because she’s grade eight in an International School here). That’s pretty much all I know about her.

Next to her is her little sister Kimmy. She’s even more shy and I rarely even get to hear her talks. She’s around 10 years old (I think). She reminds me of one of the kids in my church; they both love their Nintendo DS and brings them wherever they go. On top of that, she takes Jazz and Contemporary dance. It’s a shame that I never saw her in action though but I bet she’s good.

Anyways, next to them is their mother Ilana. She’s Bill’s wife and has an amazing baking talents which I occasionally enjoy (but not enough). She’s a graduate from CBC (same as Bill) and has a gift of languages. It really runs in the family because I heard from Brem (the Regional Director for Alliance Southeast Asian team) that her mother can speak more than five different languages (fluently). I also hear that Ilana speak fluent Khmer from all the dorm student (they said she sounded like a Khmer person). On top of that, she’s the language coach for all international workers here in Cambodia.

And the one next to her is my mentor Bill. He is also a graduate from CBC who did his Onsite in the Philippines. He is an international worker here in Cambodia for more than 12 years and is a close friend with Bernie Van De Walle. I spend most of my time with him and he’s proven to be a real cool mentor. He’s one of the main reason that I feel so at ease here in Cambodia and we have had wonderful venting session as well as intellectual discussion. On most occasion, he rattles my theology a little and get me out of my comfort zone, which is actually good for my ego.

And of course next to him is me. And I don’t really need to introduce because y’all know who I am. =)

Well, this week (I mean the first week of December really, sorry about the late update) has been really humbling. First off, I would just like to thank God for allowing Hung and I to do Onsite together. He has been a tremendous source for my venting and comfort. And if you’re wondering, he’s doing pretty well (just go read his blog!).

If you have been reading my blogs and such, I felt kind of bad for leading you guys on. I may have given you the wrong impressions of my life here in Cambodia. Everything I said up to this point was pretty positive (except for the lesson on Grace) and it really is a wonderful and positive experience. However, that’s not to say that there aren’t also some challenges as well. And for this blog, I wanna share with you what some of those challenges were.

Well, the first list on the agenda is my relationship with the dorm guys. Ever since I arrive, I have had some trouble with my roommate. He’s a really good roommate and all and helped me a lot but there are just a couple of cultural conflicts that really spoil a wonderful relationship. Being raised in post Pol Pot regime, my roommate has adopted what my mentor called a “hand-out mentality”. For the first few times, I really enjoyed and appreciate his company so I treated him out many times as a friendly gesture of getting acquainted with him. However, I soon discovered that he becomes highly dependent on me and can at times seem manipulative. For the first month or so, he became dependent on me for everything, from gas for his motorcycle, to phone services, to internet services, to food, to toiletries (including toothpastes). This made me feel really upset because he gets a generous salary from my mentor for working as the RD of the boy’s dorm. In addition, he rarely helps clean up, and he’s one of the most stingy person I know (he even expect other dorm boys to treat him out). At times, he would bring me out and ‘suggests’ the stuffs that we need for dorms. Without my consent, he goes to buy it and tell me to pay for it. It made me become very resentful at first. But after a brief discussion with my mentor and time with my Father, I came to realization that the fault really lies with me. I have failed to draw proper boundaries. Since this Onsite, I have learned so much about what I’m responsible for and what I’m not. Even now, there are traces of resentment and bitterness that still need to be cleansed from my soul but it is progressing. Meanwhile, I learned to draw proper boundaries and are saying ‘no’ a lot more often. This has helped saved our relationship because for the past month of so, I have not talked to him at all nor did I go anywhere with him. However, things are starting to recover as I draw proper boundaries and I feel like I have more ownership of my life as I learn to say no to him. In addition, he’s learning my boundaries and are becoming less dependent on me. Now we can truly start a new friendship based not on dependencies but on mutuality.

One of the important lessons I learn is that human sinfulness can continue for generations. Because of what Pol Pot and his regime did, it had indeed created generations of dependent people who rely on the charities of others for survival. The more I study about war-torn Cambodia and its history, the more I feel sympathetic for its people. I’m so glad that I have the opportunity to be here and become an instrument of Christ to help undo the effect of human sinfulness. It is a privilege that I hope I will always cherish.

Second on the agenda is an issue I have with one of the guy in the dorm. His name’s Mato. I usually go out and buy food and store them in the refrigerator. I noticed that somebody keeps on finishing it and the thing that gets to me the most is that nobody asks or even tells me that they’re eating my stuff. So whenever I’m hungry, I expect to have some food left and it’s not there. This frustrate the heck outta me. Finally, I told out that it was Mato who’s been taking my stuffs without telling me. To make it worse, he even ride my motorcycle without asking for my permission. Finally, I had to suck it up and confront the guy. I hate confrontations by the way; it always makes me cringe inside. I guess it’s better to cringe than to burn with resentment and anger (all because I feel like I’m getting ripped off). So I cringed away. I told him that he needs to ask for my permission before he used my stuffs or eat my food (my tone wasn’t very nice either, who can blame me, I was mad!). He apologized and since then, we haven’t got into that situation again. However, something happened a week later that made me regret and feel like a fool. Mato’s mother went to visit him and brought him all kinds of goodies. On the first night, all the guys of the dorm were feeling hungry and to my surprise, Mato took out all that his mother brought for him and shared it among the boys. And this continues day after day until we had consumed all that Mato’s mother had brought for him. Then I realized something very important as I talked to him. It didn’t matter if we share lots or little, all that matters is that we share what we have. If I have much, I will share much and if I had little, I should also share what little I have. That was his mentality and he presumed that I have that as well so he thought that he shouldn’t even need to ask me about sharing my stuff. That just blew my mind away (well, at least my conception of ownership that was ingrained to me by Western culture). I felt so humbled after that incident because I felt like that’s something that was beyond my comprehension. Truly, my individualistic way of thinking was challenged and I see community in a different light. It is definitely a welcomed change (because what he had suggested was more biblical than what I was taught). Now, don’t get me wrong. I still believe in taking personal ownership and such but I don’t believe that’s the starting point. Being in community is the starting point and assessing how we can manage our personal possessions to benefit not ourselves but the community as a whole should be the next step. When we have community as our starting point, its priority supersedes that of personal possessions and really truly put it into the right perspective. For even God’s blessing on Abraham was conditioned so that it ultimately blesses the community of believers, not primarily Abraham himself. I am still learning that profound truth each and everyday and continued to be challenged by Jesus to live it out. I know I’m not there yet, but I’m starting to crawl and hopefully one day, I will soar on its wings to truly live in its freedom.

Third on the agenda was a run-in that I had with one of the dorm girl. Being a very chillax North American guy, I usually don’t take cultural issues very serious (as long as they are only cultural differences and not moral differences). So two months into my Onsite and I still retain many of my habits that I had acquired in Canada. Just to name a few, I still wear sleeveless when I go outside, shorts, gel spike hair, Oakley sunglasses, ride my motorcycle fast, and of course, fool around on the road with the guys (while driving). It’s what guys do in Canada. It’s just ‘cool’ like that. Anyways, the boy and girl’s dorm decided to go out one day and like usually, I would act like how I would in Canada. On a stop light, I pulled beside my friend’s moto and we start hitting each other for fun. Then I tapped Panith (the girl) on the shoulder and pretend to beat her up too. To my surprise, she turned to me with most serious face and told me to behave appropriately. Her exact words were ingrained into my mind, “Don’t treat me like that, I am a Khmer girl.” It stings big time. How can I be so foolish? After that incident, I looked around. I noticed that all the boys who acted the way I did were considered ‘playboy’ by Khmer standards. Playboys are counter-cultural to Khmer culture and are perceived as bad boys (or gangsters) who ‘good’ Khmer people should not be associated with (especially good Khmer girls). I realized that to be effective in my ministry and to build healthy relationships, I cannot hold onto the old me (or as I called it, the North American me). I must journey with Christ to find the new me (the Khmer me, so to speak). The state that I’m in right now is not truly myself; it is tainted with North-Amercianism. To truly find myself, I must allow myself to be seen through any cultural lens. Only then can I truly know myself for who I really am behind all the veneer of cultures. Only then can I truly see myself in Christ, able to enjoy all cultures and act with utmost sensitivity to all cultures. When I truly see myself in Christ, it is only then that I can truly become His voice and His hands to do His works among all the wonderful diverse people group that He had created and delights in.

Last but not least, I absolute hate the way people drive here (more correctly, I should say some people). Nine out of ten times I see people not obeying traffic lights and cause gridlock. Ten out of ten times I see people driving the on the opposite side of the streets and nearly cause all kind of accidents. To make things worse, I witness corrupted cops tries to extort people for breaking ‘traffic laws’ and people breaking them only because cops are trying to extort them by imposing ‘traffic laws’ on them. And its frustrating because it becomes a vicious cycle. Turning on your vehicle’s lights during the day time can cause a cop to pull you over and fine you a ticket (or more like a bride to let you go because those money are pocketed and no receipt is given). They are stringent on pulling people over for not having mirrors on their motorcycle but let people run on the opposite lanes. They absolutely would not let you run red lights but allow big big trucks to go onto small streets for a dollar or two. It is so frustrating because the results are very unsafe and unregulated streets. Every time I go for a drive, I almost guarantee to have a close call to getting into an accident. So far, I have had two accidents because of it. Thank God that they were only minor accidents resulting in nothing more than a couple of scrapes. I was so frustrated that on one occasion, when I was going pretty fast (like 60km/h) and this car decides to cut me off by turning left. I nearly hit him and he was a foreigner (a white Caucasian) and I gave him the middle finger! People don’t get license here or really learn to drive; they simply paid a fee and the license is simply given to them. So you have people with cars who don’t check their mirrors or signal when they turn. To make things worse, the only rule in Cambodian streets is that the bigger vehicle have the rights of way. It is something that I struggled with every time I go out and it has really brought out the worse in me. I noticed that my roadside manner has become a lot more aggressive. Sometimes I wonder how Jesus would react if He had to drive a motorcycle in the rush hour traffic of Phnom Penh. I’m sure He would show righteous indignation and send a rebuke or two. =) (In case you think that I’m serious, I’m not!)

Anyways, that’s pretty much some of the frustrations that I had to put up with and learn to work through but overall, it has only challenge me to become more Christ-like. To become truly Christ-like, I learn, is to become Christ-like not just in a North American culture context but to learn to be like Christ in all cultures. I’m sure Jesus, who loves all cultures, would find ways to express Himself in that culture. And here I am, learning to find and express myself in the context of Khmer culture. I can only hope that by leaning on Jesus, I will adopt such an attitude and hopefully become truly, and utterly Khmer one day (hopefully before I leave). =)