A Firm Resolution

I know that it hasn’t been long since my last update, but here is another wonderful update for you. Well, I wouldn’t really say that it’s wonderful since it’s a pretty gloomy topic but it is something that has profoundly impacted my decision about the future.

It is weird but over the course of about three months, I have received news about 5 deaths (all of whom are relatives of my friends / family). The first death that I encountered happened to Chantha (a girl living in the dorm). Her mother contracted a sickness and died recently. Chantha and her mother were very close and she had to take a month leave from school to plan for the funeral and to mourn for her. In the mourning process, Chantha shaved her head (hair was viewed as very precious to girl here) so it spoke volumes about her grievance. She used to be such an outspoken girl and very out-going. Ever since her return to the dorm, she seems to be quite the opposite (quiet and often retreat to her room).

The second death that occurred happened to my friend’s uncle. Vilai’s (the boy who I often work out with) uncle died in a motorcycle accident, which was the result of drunk driving. His uncle was at a party and got really drunk. Instead of getting a ride home, he drove home that night and lost control of the motorcycle. It skided across the road and he died as the result of a trauma to the head. His uncle was not a believer (and so is Vilai). His uncle often supported him (financially) and he was very close to him. After his uncle’s death, I rarely see him at the gym. He told me that it made him really depressed and really made him re-assess his own life and purpose. However, it’s been about a month and I still have not see him around the gym since the incident. I’m guessing it’s his mourning time.

The third death happened to someone that was close to me. It was my niece (who is actually quite old, 20 years old). I received the news from my brother Hung when he was still in Canada and it came as a complete shock. I shared with you guys about her in my previous blog. She was so young and as far as I know, her and her family were not believers of Jesus Christ. I cannot go back to attend the funeral but I have a good sense of how it might be like since I attended a Buddhist’s funeral before (it was my grandmother and grandfather funeral). There were lots of tears and hopeless mournings. It was really sad to see.

The fourth death happened to my friend’s dad back at home. He really mourned and grieved for his dad as he found out at work that his dad died in the hospital due to prostate cancer. I know that my friend really respect and look up to his dad. His dad has had profound impact on his faith and had really encouraged him to follow Jesus. The news was received with many grievances because his dad was so young. He sent me a message on facebook to tell me about it and even though there was much grieves, I can still sense hope in his messages. I can only thank God that his dad is a faithful follower of Christ and that as Christians, we do not mourn without hope.

The fifth death (or I should say many deaths) came as a shock to me. I was staying up and talking to the dorm boys one night and the topic of weather came up. I learned that a lot of people in the countryside died during the rainy and cold season. Most of those who died are usually older people who do not have sufficient funding to take care of themselves during the night. When the weather gets cold, they usually die because there isn’t a blanket around.

Being confronted with so many news about death, it made me really reflect on my own life. I realized that all the busy-ness of life really has a way to distract me from reflecting on my own personal life. I always assume that I will live a long life, that I have many years left, that I’m not going anywhere soon. However, these deaths really awoken my sense of immanency. I realized that I will not live as long as I hope for, that death is immanent, that life is all but too short.
And I came to a conclusion (more of an affirmation) about life… This is my lot as a person: to spend my life knowing my Lord and to lead others to know Him as well. Life is way too short for anything else for these two principles will consume a good junk (if not, all) my time.

What really upset me about death and led me to this conclusion is due to all the hopeless and senseless grievances that I had observed as a result. Those who do not know the Savior mourn with such hopelessness that it had really impacted their lives for the worse. They break down, their lives marred by joylessness, their mourning sounds like wailing hopelessness, and in the end, there is so much fear because it ultimately points back to them (that one day, they will go in the same way).

Yet, here I am, entrusted with life giving messages, and life giving knowledge. The sad part is that I am so focused on myself that I cannot proclaim it effectively. To be honest, before going on Onsite, I was really struggling with what I want to do with my future. For those who are closed to me, I shared that I wanted to become high-school teacher, an auto-mechanic, an entrepreneur, and some other stuff. I was toying around with secular work because I know that ministry does not pay a lot, that the life of a minister is pretty painful (physically and emotionally as well) at times, and the first thing to suffer is not the church but his family life.

However, if there is one thing that Onsite has taught me, it has taught me this: whatever the cost may be, it is worth it. It is worth it to be a minister of Christ, in spite of financial lacking, in spite of hardships, in spite of an unsecured future. For I have been entrusted with the ministry of reconciliation and am commissioned by Christ Himself. How can I even think of a comfortable, secured, luxurious life when people are dying without knowing the Savior? How can I, in eternity, look upon the faces of people who are in *gulp* hell (forget sensitivity, this is the truth) and said, “Sorry, I didn’t told you, I was too busy living comfortably.” How can I, even in the present life, look at those who mourns without hope and let them be when I have messages that will turn their grieve into wondrous joy?

For those who I told that this Onsite will really determine what I will do with my future, I can confidently say that I will be a minister of Christ for the rest of my life. I will proclaim His message of life wherever I go and in whatever I do. What that looks like in my life, I do not know. Will it be missionary work, pastoral work, or even include secular setting? It might, it might not, but one thing I am certain and it is this: I will use this life to tell others about my (and their) Savior because in the end, when it is all said and done, that is the only thing that matters.