Many Humbled Frustrations

Hey guys! This is another wonderful update from Duc. Since my last update, I mentioned that I still have some more people I wanna introduce to you. Well, here’s the rest of em (my mentor’s family of course).

I guess we’ll start like we always do, from the left to the right. The first girl you’ll see is Holly. She’s the Bill’s eldest daughter. I don’t really know her that well because she’s kind of a shy person. But I think she’s around 13 years old (because she’s grade eight in an International School here). That’s pretty much all I know about her.

Next to her is her little sister Kimmy. She’s even more shy and I rarely even get to hear her talks. She’s around 10 years old (I think). She reminds me of one of the kids in my church; they both love their Nintendo DS and brings them wherever they go. On top of that, she takes Jazz and Contemporary dance. It’s a shame that I never saw her in action though but I bet she’s good.

Anyways, next to them is their mother Ilana. She’s Bill’s wife and has an amazing baking talents which I occasionally enjoy (but not enough). She’s a graduate from CBC (same as Bill) and has a gift of languages. It really runs in the family because I heard from Brem (the Regional Director for Alliance Southeast Asian team) that her mother can speak more than five different languages (fluently). I also hear that Ilana speak fluent Khmer from all the dorm student (they said she sounded like a Khmer person). On top of that, she’s the language coach for all international workers here in Cambodia.

And the one next to her is my mentor Bill. He is also a graduate from CBC who did his Onsite in the Philippines. He is an international worker here in Cambodia for more than 12 years and is a close friend with Bernie Van De Walle. I spend most of my time with him and he’s proven to be a real cool mentor. He’s one of the main reason that I feel so at ease here in Cambodia and we have had wonderful venting session as well as intellectual discussion. On most occasion, he rattles my theology a little and get me out of my comfort zone, which is actually good for my ego.

And of course next to him is me. And I don’t really need to introduce because y’all know who I am. =)

Well, this week (I mean the first week of December really, sorry about the late update) has been really humbling. First off, I would just like to thank God for allowing Hung and I to do Onsite together. He has been a tremendous source for my venting and comfort. And if you’re wondering, he’s doing pretty well (just go read his blog!).

If you have been reading my blogs and such, I felt kind of bad for leading you guys on. I may have given you the wrong impressions of my life here in Cambodia. Everything I said up to this point was pretty positive (except for the lesson on Grace) and it really is a wonderful and positive experience. However, that’s not to say that there aren’t also some challenges as well. And for this blog, I wanna share with you what some of those challenges were.

Well, the first list on the agenda is my relationship with the dorm guys. Ever since I arrive, I have had some trouble with my roommate. He’s a really good roommate and all and helped me a lot but there are just a couple of cultural conflicts that really spoil a wonderful relationship. Being raised in post Pol Pot regime, my roommate has adopted what my mentor called a “hand-out mentality”. For the first few times, I really enjoyed and appreciate his company so I treated him out many times as a friendly gesture of getting acquainted with him. However, I soon discovered that he becomes highly dependent on me and can at times seem manipulative. For the first month or so, he became dependent on me for everything, from gas for his motorcycle, to phone services, to internet services, to food, to toiletries (including toothpastes). This made me feel really upset because he gets a generous salary from my mentor for working as the RD of the boy’s dorm. In addition, he rarely helps clean up, and he’s one of the most stingy person I know (he even expect other dorm boys to treat him out). At times, he would bring me out and ‘suggests’ the stuffs that we need for dorms. Without my consent, he goes to buy it and tell me to pay for it. It made me become very resentful at first. But after a brief discussion with my mentor and time with my Father, I came to realization that the fault really lies with me. I have failed to draw proper boundaries. Since this Onsite, I have learned so much about what I’m responsible for and what I’m not. Even now, there are traces of resentment and bitterness that still need to be cleansed from my soul but it is progressing. Meanwhile, I learned to draw proper boundaries and are saying ‘no’ a lot more often. This has helped saved our relationship because for the past month of so, I have not talked to him at all nor did I go anywhere with him. However, things are starting to recover as I draw proper boundaries and I feel like I have more ownership of my life as I learn to say no to him. In addition, he’s learning my boundaries and are becoming less dependent on me. Now we can truly start a new friendship based not on dependencies but on mutuality.

One of the important lessons I learn is that human sinfulness can continue for generations. Because of what Pol Pot and his regime did, it had indeed created generations of dependent people who rely on the charities of others for survival. The more I study about war-torn Cambodia and its history, the more I feel sympathetic for its people. I’m so glad that I have the opportunity to be here and become an instrument of Christ to help undo the effect of human sinfulness. It is a privilege that I hope I will always cherish.

Second on the agenda is an issue I have with one of the guy in the dorm. His name’s Mato. I usually go out and buy food and store them in the refrigerator. I noticed that somebody keeps on finishing it and the thing that gets to me the most is that nobody asks or even tells me that they’re eating my stuff. So whenever I’m hungry, I expect to have some food left and it’s not there. This frustrate the heck outta me. Finally, I told out that it was Mato who’s been taking my stuffs without telling me. To make it worse, he even ride my motorcycle without asking for my permission. Finally, I had to suck it up and confront the guy. I hate confrontations by the way; it always makes me cringe inside. I guess it’s better to cringe than to burn with resentment and anger (all because I feel like I’m getting ripped off). So I cringed away. I told him that he needs to ask for my permission before he used my stuffs or eat my food (my tone wasn’t very nice either, who can blame me, I was mad!). He apologized and since then, we haven’t got into that situation again. However, something happened a week later that made me regret and feel like a fool. Mato’s mother went to visit him and brought him all kinds of goodies. On the first night, all the guys of the dorm were feeling hungry and to my surprise, Mato took out all that his mother brought for him and shared it among the boys. And this continues day after day until we had consumed all that Mato’s mother had brought for him. Then I realized something very important as I talked to him. It didn’t matter if we share lots or little, all that matters is that we share what we have. If I have much, I will share much and if I had little, I should also share what little I have. That was his mentality and he presumed that I have that as well so he thought that he shouldn’t even need to ask me about sharing my stuff. That just blew my mind away (well, at least my conception of ownership that was ingrained to me by Western culture). I felt so humbled after that incident because I felt like that’s something that was beyond my comprehension. Truly, my individualistic way of thinking was challenged and I see community in a different light. It is definitely a welcomed change (because what he had suggested was more biblical than what I was taught). Now, don’t get me wrong. I still believe in taking personal ownership and such but I don’t believe that’s the starting point. Being in community is the starting point and assessing how we can manage our personal possessions to benefit not ourselves but the community as a whole should be the next step. When we have community as our starting point, its priority supersedes that of personal possessions and really truly put it into the right perspective. For even God’s blessing on Abraham was conditioned so that it ultimately blesses the community of believers, not primarily Abraham himself. I am still learning that profound truth each and everyday and continued to be challenged by Jesus to live it out. I know I’m not there yet, but I’m starting to crawl and hopefully one day, I will soar on its wings to truly live in its freedom.

Third on the agenda was a run-in that I had with one of the dorm girl. Being a very chillax North American guy, I usually don’t take cultural issues very serious (as long as they are only cultural differences and not moral differences). So two months into my Onsite and I still retain many of my habits that I had acquired in Canada. Just to name a few, I still wear sleeveless when I go outside, shorts, gel spike hair, Oakley sunglasses, ride my motorcycle fast, and of course, fool around on the road with the guys (while driving). It’s what guys do in Canada. It’s just ‘cool’ like that. Anyways, the boy and girl’s dorm decided to go out one day and like usually, I would act like how I would in Canada. On a stop light, I pulled beside my friend’s moto and we start hitting each other for fun. Then I tapped Panith (the girl) on the shoulder and pretend to beat her up too. To my surprise, she turned to me with most serious face and told me to behave appropriately. Her exact words were ingrained into my mind, “Don’t treat me like that, I am a Khmer girl.” It stings big time. How can I be so foolish? After that incident, I looked around. I noticed that all the boys who acted the way I did were considered ‘playboy’ by Khmer standards. Playboys are counter-cultural to Khmer culture and are perceived as bad boys (or gangsters) who ‘good’ Khmer people should not be associated with (especially good Khmer girls). I realized that to be effective in my ministry and to build healthy relationships, I cannot hold onto the old me (or as I called it, the North American me). I must journey with Christ to find the new me (the Khmer me, so to speak). The state that I’m in right now is not truly myself; it is tainted with North-Amercianism. To truly find myself, I must allow myself to be seen through any cultural lens. Only then can I truly know myself for who I really am behind all the veneer of cultures. Only then can I truly see myself in Christ, able to enjoy all cultures and act with utmost sensitivity to all cultures. When I truly see myself in Christ, it is only then that I can truly become His voice and His hands to do His works among all the wonderful diverse people group that He had created and delights in.

Last but not least, I absolute hate the way people drive here (more correctly, I should say some people). Nine out of ten times I see people not obeying traffic lights and cause gridlock. Ten out of ten times I see people driving the on the opposite side of the streets and nearly cause all kind of accidents. To make things worse, I witness corrupted cops tries to extort people for breaking ‘traffic laws’ and people breaking them only because cops are trying to extort them by imposing ‘traffic laws’ on them. And its frustrating because it becomes a vicious cycle. Turning on your vehicle’s lights during the day time can cause a cop to pull you over and fine you a ticket (or more like a bride to let you go because those money are pocketed and no receipt is given). They are stringent on pulling people over for not having mirrors on their motorcycle but let people run on the opposite lanes. They absolutely would not let you run red lights but allow big big trucks to go onto small streets for a dollar or two. It is so frustrating because the results are very unsafe and unregulated streets. Every time I go for a drive, I almost guarantee to have a close call to getting into an accident. So far, I have had two accidents because of it. Thank God that they were only minor accidents resulting in nothing more than a couple of scrapes. I was so frustrated that on one occasion, when I was going pretty fast (like 60km/h) and this car decides to cut me off by turning left. I nearly hit him and he was a foreigner (a white Caucasian) and I gave him the middle finger! People don’t get license here or really learn to drive; they simply paid a fee and the license is simply given to them. So you have people with cars who don’t check their mirrors or signal when they turn. To make things worse, the only rule in Cambodian streets is that the bigger vehicle have the rights of way. It is something that I struggled with every time I go out and it has really brought out the worse in me. I noticed that my roadside manner has become a lot more aggressive. Sometimes I wonder how Jesus would react if He had to drive a motorcycle in the rush hour traffic of Phnom Penh. I’m sure He would show righteous indignation and send a rebuke or two. =) (In case you think that I’m serious, I’m not!)

Anyways, that’s pretty much some of the frustrations that I had to put up with and learn to work through but overall, it has only challenge me to become more Christ-like. To become truly Christ-like, I learn, is to become Christ-like not just in a North American culture context but to learn to be like Christ in all cultures. I’m sure Jesus, who loves all cultures, would find ways to express Himself in that culture. And here I am, learning to find and express myself in the context of Khmer culture. I can only hope that by leaning on Jesus, I will adopt such an attitude and hopefully become truly, and utterly Khmer one day (hopefully before I leave). =)

The New Family

Hiya all!

Sorry that I have not updated my blog recently. I must admit that it was due to my own laziness and all but I promise that I will try to continue to list my progress. Actually, I have been updating them offline. I just couldn't find the right pictures to make it more interesting. So for the next week or so, you will be getting a month worth of updates. Yippy right!? RIGHT!? =)

Anyways, for the first in awhile update, I will finally introduce you to my new family (which is kinda old now since I'm like 2 1/2 months into my Onsite). Without further ado, here they are:

First, here are my boys. There are eight of us living at the boy's dorm. I will go from left to right to tell you a little bit about them and their background.

The one in the green T-shirt is Poeng Iyamato. His name sounds very Japanese but I can assure you that he's all Cambodian blood. He is a very cool and smart guy. He's studying at med school to become a doctor and actually has a chance to win a scholarship ($40,000 - which is A LOT of money for Khmer) to finish his whole 8 years program. In addition, he's gifted in like everything he does, from being my bright English student, to soccer, to musical instrument (piano), to video games. And he's only nineteen years old.... I'm so jealous!

In the back you will see a guy with my motocyle helmet on. He's Phon Buntheoun and he's the dorm's clown. He's the typical bad boy turned Christian because he acts like a good boy with an attitude. He's about twenty years old and studying to become an IT. His dad is a pastor in Cambodian countryside. I consider him a little brother because we're so much alike. We act a like, the way we talk are alike and he probably has the best English out of the group. He's the only one that talks with slang and other English idioms (i.e, let's bounce, wanna grab a bite, etc). It's interesting because we are probably the closer couple in the dorm because he moved into the dorm the same time I did. Him and I always kid with each other and it's nice because I never have a little brother until now. To top it off, we always stay up late and talk about everything (however, just mostly about girls).

Next, you will see a guy in the old black shade. His name is Neth Panith. He is your typical nice quiet guy. I don't see a lot of him around because he goes to school in the morning, and work in the afternoon. After work, he usually eat with his sister in the girl's dorm so I never really see much of him. On top of that, he doesn't speak a lot of English so its hard to communicate with him.

And the one in the cowboy hat is my roomate Cham Phearom. He's the RD for the guy and girl dorm (but mostly for the guy). He was hired by my mentor to become RD and he's also my Khmer teacher (although I prefer Buntheoun to teach me because I like to learn street Khmer instead of 'proper' Khmer). Aside from a few (okay, quite a bit) of issues, he's actually a really friendly guy. He tries hard to be helpful and is quite a dependable guy. When you need him, he always seem to make time for you. However, he is quite the stingy guy and are quite dependent on me for everything that he uses and eats which makes me quite uncomfortable and irritated most times. Apart from that issue, we are quite good friends. He actually make me laugh a lot because everytime he sees a mirror (whether it be an actual mirror or just a reflection of himself on any material) he starts flexing and making a face to check out how 'handsome' he is. Then he smile at me and ask, "handsome eh?" to which I laugh and said, "If only I was a girl."

Then the guy in the very back is Thidy. He's the most senior guy in the dorm because he stayed at the dorm for like 3 years in a row. Even though Thidy is younger than me, I really look up to him. He is studying IT at the University and TEE (Theological Education by Extension) to become a pastor. I love the guy because whenever the dorm boys has questions, he goes on and on with his answers. I remember this once when we were having a theological discussion about the Trinity and he spoke on it for like an hour. He is very zealous for God and I can totally see it. Its not the arrogant type of zealous but a deep faith that shines the very light of Christ. In addition, he is so gifted in music. He can listen to any drum beat or guitar solo and pretty much duplicate it. It saddens me that I will have to leave Cambodia before I can see the fruit of his ministry. I know he will be quite a formidable force for the Kingdom of God.

Next, you will see the guy in the brown white shirt. His name is Roeun Sothearo. He is probably my best friend here in the dorm. We always cook together, hang out, talk late at night, and sometimes snuggle together for fun (it's quite normal, I assure you. Just ask Steve Greenaway, Dave Hill, or Timmy Gee. Wait I mostly force it on Timmy Gee... =). He is nineteen years old and is quite the guy. He is naturally pretty smart (my best English student). He's studying IT at the university. He is good with all kind of things (like sports, video games) but what makes him really shine is that he doesn't just rely on natural abilities but desires to practice them continually to improve upon it. Currently, I act as his drum, English, and gaming teacher and so far he taught up to me in drumming skills (in like 2 months. I tell you, that guy practice like hours a day), and his English has improve tremendously (the only one I know in the dorm who speak with complete, correct sentences like 50% of the time). The thing I like most of Thearo is that he loves people. Even though he's poor, he share everything he has (whether it be food, or computer, or other stuffs). And he ALWAYS help me whenever I ask him. If he live in Canada, I would think that we'll be best of buds...

Last and probably least (at least in my relationship with him) is Heng Sokkun. Sokkun is eighteen years old and is studying IT at the university as well. I actually don't know that much about him because he speak very very little English. On top of that, he's an extremely quite and shy guy. I've never really enter into a direct conversation with him so I couldn't tell you much about him. I guess when my Khmer gets better, I will be able to have more conversations with him but for now, he will remain a mystery to you.... and to me as well. Well that's it for the guy dorm. Now I will move onto the girl's dorm.

Here is the girl's dorm. There's actually three more that's missing from this picture (because the three are so evasive and I have to sneakerly take a picture of them sometime in the immediate future). Anywhoo, the furthest one to the left is Channy. He is twenty-two years old and is fourth year English major at Western University. However, she doesn't speak a lot of English which kinda surprises me. But she is a pretty good writer. She has an awesome personality because she is kinda like a tomboy. We always stare each other down and sometimes push each other. She's the little sister I never have but wanted.

Next to her, the girl in the green shirt is Neth Sokkun. Her nick name is Sokkun-nisa (which is a really famous singer in Cambodia). She's quite the smart girl, majoring in IT at the university. She's Panith's older sister and what a sister she is. She goes to school and cooks for him everyday. Even though she's younger than me, I'm always intimidate by her and consider her a bigger sister. She has that bigger sister vibe to her. And to my surprise, her English is very good. She's naturally really smart and learn quite fast. Even though she occasionally shows up to my English class, she's one of the top student.

Next to her is the girl in the red shirt. Her name is Khim Chanty. She is a bratty, short little princess that's really smart at the same time. Actually, we're pretty good friends. Her older sister used to live in the girl's dorm for quite awhile. Even though she doesn't know a lot of English, she tries really really hard. She never missed any of my class even though she have a full study schedule and even brings friends to it. She has this charm about her that always make me give into her demand. It's that little whiny little sister type of charm, which is kinda cute really. She's twenty but acts like thirteen around me. And we talk alot, mostly about stupid stuffs (which sometimes I don't even think she understands me because I speak mostly English).

Next to Chanty in the picture above is also the girl in yellow in the group picture (the furthest one to the right). Her name is Netkru On (nick name, I never really did know her real name). She is quite mysterious really. I don't even know her age. All I know about her is that her father is the guard for the girl's dorm and she goes to all my English class. She seems normal but really surprises me when I throw out random hard stuffs in English and she was able to answer it correctly. She's as mysterious to me as to you so I can't really give you much info on her.

The girl in yellow T-shirt in the middle of the picture is Yos Mariya. She's the girl that celebrated her birthday with me. She is probably the youngest girl in the girl's dorm (nineteen years of age). She is Channy's sister as well. She is studying to become a nurse and acts like Chanty. They're pretty close friends so I'm not really surprise. She nags, whines, and acts like a little sister as well. Everytime I bring snacks to my English class, she's always the first one to munch from it. In addition, I think we could be good friends is only she understands more English. She probably speak the least English out of all the girls and when she does speak English, it is kinda cute. In my English class, I taught them formal and informal speeches. Mariya seems to only remembers informal ones. Its kinda funny when I asked her wassup... what's happening to which she replies, "Nothing much, just chillin" in her Cambodian accent. Make my mentor and I smile all the time =)

Missing from the picture is Heng Panith. She's twenty one years old and is quite mature. She's one of my best girl student for English class and she have this deep quiet faith about her. She doesn't talk a lot but when she does, wisdom and gentleness flows out in steady streams. She tries really hard to learn English too and she's the first one to attend both of my English class (which means 6 days a week). She constantly give me suggestions on how I can improve my teaching skills (in a gentle way so that I can't really get offended or mad at her). Other than that, she's like the only one that ever invite me to eat with her after class (even though she doesn't have a lot). It really shows that she's hospitable as well.

Next on the MIA list from Ducky's picture is Sok Loth. I manage to snag a picture of her from a wedding that I attend (which you shall hear more about - foreshadowing anybody?). I probably admire her the most out of all the girls in the dorm because of her character. She is a very average person with a very huge determination and diligency to get work done. She is a country girl that goes to Phnom Penh because her parent wanted her to have an education. Never really study before because she was poor, she was plunged in the intellectual world of university. She tries really really hard and study like there's no tomorrow. In addition, she attends all my English classes and probably the few that hands in completed homeworks. I really truly admire her audacity to improve and grow in knowledge.

Last but definitely not least is Melisse. She's an old girl dorm resident but I decided to put her on the list because she's somebody I can relate to. I got a chance to talk to her and know her for about one month when I first came and I felt like we totally click as good friends. Her journey of faith really moves me and reminded me of my own journey as well. She's twenty-four years old and major in English at the university as well. She got one year left but never quite finish it because of her calling. She became a Christian a short while back (I believe it was three to four years ago) and quickly got called in ministry. She is a local missionary (working with another Australian missionary woman) to the Malai province of Cambodia. She speak English very very well (like the best among all the locals that I heard). In addition, she is a total tomboy. Unlike traditional Khmer girls, she's amazing at soccer, good at volleyball, and likes to swing the motocycle around really really fast. She really encourages me because in her, I see the fruit of missionaries here in Cambodia. She's one of the few locals here that is seriously about Christ and really give it her all to proclaim the Good News. I see that church here in Cambodia can be self-propagating and self-sustain if it has more people like Melisse.

Okie, that's about conclude our introduction to the dorm people, now for the miscellaneous but just as important people.

The first group of people I want to introduce to you is the landlord family. The tall guy name is Timothy and his wife is Rota. They have a son named Joshua (who just turned one). Timothy works for a Christian publishing company in Phnom Penh and works closely with Steve Green (a missionary in Cambodia for 17 years). His wife is a manager for some foreign company (which I'm not really sure what). They're pretty chilled people and love to chat it up with me once in a while. On top of that, they always offer food when they cook something special and it usually taste oh so yummy! I'm very grateful for their hospitality.

The next group I want to introduce to you is my gym mate. I go to a local gym named Paddy's Gym here in Phnom Penh and manage to make some interesting friends. The guy on the left is Vilai. He's a Laosian that moved to Phnom Penh because his mother decided to flee the country. He's nineteen years old and is studying biology at the university. He's a hardcore workout alcholic because I always see him at the gym. However, he admits to me that for every two hours he's there, he probably do only 30 mins of work out. He loves to talk to people and he actually trains alot of the newbies that go there. He's a nice guy but sometimes he can make really crude jokes. I guess those jokes would've been funny before I was a Christian. But overall, a really friendly guy. And he speak English quite well too (street style of course because its cool like that in Cambodia).

On the right is a girl named Aarie. She works there at the gym as a cleaner, manager, guard, etc. Pretty much everything that the gym needs, she has to handle it. On top of that, she's an aerobic instructor. Its quite cool because everyday at around 5:00PM, I see a huge crowd of older Khmer women floods into the gym and Aarie pumps up the music and starts aerobic dance class and all the older women shake their booties. Very entertaining. She's a really nice person but she's the girl that I usually practice my Khmer on. Whenever I work out and she have times, we would always chat it up. She doesn't know English at all so I'm force to either do charade and look like a fool or suck it up and think really hard about what I learn in Khmer class.

That's about all the people I have on pictures that I want to introduce to you guys. There are a bit more but I haven't got a picture of them yet. I'm sure that it would be quite boring if I only gave you a description so I'll refrain and keep them for my next update.

Anyways, sorry about the long long blog but do not fret... more are coming very very soon. =) A quick note. These people are the very reason that I have not really feel homesick. They are all really great people and to be honest, I really do feel at home here with them. They are all like big and small brothers, sisters, and uncle and aunts to me. I guess home is really where God calls you to be and wherever He calls you, He also provides a community for you to be a part of. Overall, I thank God for His faithfulness for provide use a nurtured environment for me to grow, learn, and share my life with these people.

Not with just these people but you guys who are praying for me, reading my blogs, facebooking me. I never felt more at home when I think about all the people that I'm sharing my life with.

The Fun and The Happy Times!

Hi there all!

Here is yet again another of Ducky's wonderful update! I was going to give this next update to introducing all my new family members but I haven't been able to collect all their pictures yet so I'm going to delay that. It'll be so boring if I actually just say their name and describe them so its better that you wait I guess. In the meantime, this blog is going to be about my week(s) here in Cambodia and it's quite fun and happy!

Happy Times!

Well, first off, I would like you guys to know that I just bought a motocycle! Yippy! I'm so happy and stoke about it. It took awhile for me to pick one out but when I saw this beauty, I knew she had to be mine... ALL MINE! And here is a picture of her!

It had troubled me quite a bit since I got here because I had no mode of transportation. I felt like I was bothering my roommate because I had to always asked him if he can give me a ride. But after a month wait, he helped me picked out a beautiful motocycle. Bear with me as I describe to you her beauty and grace. Oh, by the way, her name is Bumblebee (because she actually look like one from the front end). Her heart is a 125cc 4 stroke Honda which purred like a little kitten but roar like any lioness would when they're hungry. Equipped with custom wheels and Xenon headlights, she cut through the darkness with ease. Her slender seat fit three people and she was born in the year 2002. Its always fun with her since she cut through the traffic and wind with grace; and of course her beauty turns a few heads =) Oh, I am so in love right now! LOL And here's another picture with me on her. Oh and the bride price was $560 USD, which is very reasonable for a beauty such as she.

The second thing that I had established was a weekly Sunday dinner (with the ministry gift money support). Every Sunday, the guy dorm get together and cook a good meal. It is a great time of fellowship and fun as we work together in the kitchen to prepare a delicious meal. We each took the liberty to make meals that we specialized in so it is quite a feast. Because we eat very little food during the rest of the week (and of course the quality isn't something to brag about either), Sunday was a day that everybody look forward to. After the meal, praise would follow accompanied by the guitar and time of fellowship (mostly sharing our journey with God and where we're at). Now I really understand why Jesus just love to eat with people. It truly is an amazing experience because there is so much joy in shared food (especially when they're good), intimate conversations, and time to adore our Savior, who by His blood, made all this possible. Here is one of the meal on Sunday.

Another fun thing that we did this past week was that we celebrated my birthday. It was such an awesome experience and it was such a blast! I never celebrated my birthday before (except a few time we went to a restaurant, but that doesn't count because that's not a party). So it was my first time and it was incredible. Since it is Water Festival next week (where most of the students go back to their province), it was so sweet of them to delay their trip to Sunday so that they could celebrated my birthday and threw me a big party. One of the girl, named Ma-ria, has her birthday within a week of mine so we celebrated our birthday together. And there was such a big party with lots of food and fun. If you look to your left, you can see that we made quite a bit of food! And don't they all look yummy? Too bad you guys were not there to share in it. =)

The day started at around 4:00PM when all the girls went to the boys' dorm to help out with the cooking. It was so much fun because we all crowded into a small kitchen and were such busybodies that we end up spillin stuffs, ran into each others, and just simply fooling around and making fun of each other. It was quite the scene. Here is a picture for you guys to get a good visual.

After we finish cooking, we brought all the food over to the girls' dorm (because it was much bigger than the guys'). It was really sweet because before we can eat, each one of them went up to Ma-ria and I to wish us a happy birthday (and happy life, good health, etc etc). It felt more like a wedding, which made me feel awkward at first until I realize that this is their culture then I was more at ease.

Then finally we got to eat. After eating, we spent time doing group activities, which mostly consisted us sitting in a circle and talk about our personal life. It was like the ultimate Truth or Dare game except there is no Dare. It was really fun to watch because people would get personal questions and everybody would laugh about their answers (even though I don't understand most of it).

Afterward, we end up cutting up the cakes and it was such beautiful cakes! And delicious too! After the eating the cake, I manage to snag two present. It was so sweet because Ma-ria knew that I had lost my necklace and she bought me another one. It look almost the same as the one that I had before. It's a simple silver cross (that look rough, but I like it because its more authentic) with thorns in the middle. So awesome! And Suk-Kung, another one of the girl, knew that I bought a motocyle so she bought me a cute chain with a big fluffy teddy bear on it. They're so nice! So it's probably the best birthday party I had so far (my only one actually, LOL, which I will celebrate more often if it's this good).

After the cake and present, it was definitely photo time. Since camera were expensive here, people don't usually take lots of photo. But this time, everybody went all out. It was photos after photos on my camera (since its digital and they can save the pictures on their computer). During photo time, I was abled to convince all the guys to do some pretty cool post. Here are the pictures. We did the pyramid, lean on each other and not using any of our hands, and just some random fun pictures. Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. =)

It was such a good and happy week and I had so much fun. I got to know them a lot better and since I was teaching them English regularly, some of them even started to speak English with me. Their English improve so fast too! Of course the opposite is true. They forced me to practice my Khmer also, which is such a good motivation. I'm starting to feel really at home here and I just wish it would last o so long. I guess home is where God calls you to be. If I really put my heart and energy into living in Phnom Penh and loving the people, I realize that this is home for me, at least for now. I hope I can remember all the wonderful lessons (and some difficult ones as well) that God has been teaching me.








Interesting Things

1. After my birthday, it rained like crazy! For the first time ever, I experienced a flood so bad that it overflowed into our house! It was such a fun and crazy time because we all panicked. After we got our act together, we systematically unplugged all the electronic and had to move the refrigerator unto two chairs. Afterward, my roommate and I decided to barred ourselves into our room by using towels to block the bottom of the door so water won't get in. It was an interesting time.


2. Another interesting thing that I noticed here in Phnom is the sheer amount of thunder and lightning during the rainy season. I see lightning every night (roughtly about 1 every 5 secs) and throughout the night I hear thunder. Pretty interesting and annoying because I usually get woke up by it.

Praiseworthy Mentions

1. For all those who prayed for my landlord lady, I have very good news! It is definitely a testament to the faithfulness of God regarding prayers. The government decided to cancel all the roadwork debts and fund the whole thing with their own money. That is pretty surprising because it is virtually unheard of, especially in Cambodia. Praise God for His faithfulness, grace, and mercy.

2. It was really encouraging to me and the rest of the Cambodia CAMA team to have the VP of C&MA Canada Mission (Jim Foster), Regional Director (Brem), Lorna Doeke, Joanne, and Tim to visit us. It was really cool because I got to connect with them as we have lunch together. I learn so much from my conversation with Brem and Jim and even got contact with Tim for future accrediation (which will definitely be helpful). They were here for about 3 days and I even got a chance to talk with Lorna (Adam's mommy). She is here to do a sort of documentary on Mission in Cambodia and have a focus on the New Hope ministry. Her TV program is especially gear toward the unreach and its so encouraging to see such creative ministry happening everywhere. The mission field is definitely bigger than I had imagined.

Spiritual Lesson

This week, I was really touch by God as we spoke and discuss about my experience here in Cambodia. As I reflected on my fellowship with the dorm guys sharing our testimonies, on my relationship with other Onsiters, and on my Christians readings (The Shack, Great Divorce, and Miracles), God had impress something very significant on my heart. I came to appreciate community in a deeper sense. I previous learn that community was God primary purpose for Creation and that it was the telos of all that He planned but it never really mean much more than that for me. It all got stuck in my head and not necessary my heart.

This past week, as I was talking with my heavenly Father, it really struck me that I am in community. A community that transcend space, time, and differences. This community is so vast and diverse that it is really mind boggling. It consist of people of the past (like Paul, Adam, Enoch, you name it) to the present (other Onsiters, Ambrose students, teachers, professors, pastors), to the future (those who haven't even been born except in the mind and heart of God). It trancends space. I don't necessary have to be in close proximity to experience this community love and grace. And it trascend differences. It has so many face, so many different views, so many cultural lens that it really is like a mosaic instead of a clean painting. And despite all this differences, it tells of one story, a story of Christ and His redemptive work to redeem humanity. This community only have one story and each individual's tale tells of a grander plot.

When I think about that deeply, I can't help but feel that even now Paul the apostle is still alive. My mentor (C.S Lewis) still speaks with me today through his written words. I learn to appreciate their views and really learn to engage myself into conversation with them. Even testimonies of other people can be claim as my own because it really tells of the grander plot which I am also a part of. I learn to really sympathize with my dorm guys as they share their testimonies and really learn how to be truly joyful when they grow in their faith.

With this new attitude, it really make me genuinely interested in what my brothers and sisters across the world is doing. It really change my attitude about prayers too because now when I pray for somebody, it is not because I'm obligated to because I'm a Christian but because their stories and mine are one and the same: our stories intertwined together to tell of Christ's redemptive works. It is such an awesome privilege to be a part of it and I'm so excited for my brothers and sisters. I'm so glad that I am in such a great community of saints that share in Christ's selfless joy. Praise God.

The Mission

Hi everybody. Sorry for another long update, but it's really been awhile. So feel free to skip some session, I know you will anyways =)

The Schedule:

First of all, I want to say thank you for all your encouragements and comforting words since the last post. After more reflections and time spent with God, I finally feel at peace within my soul. However, I know that a lesson on Grace is not an hour long course or an all night cram... I know that God will continue to send more situation to reinforce that knowledge... And its scary and exciting thinking about it. It's almost like I'm a walking time bomb, not knowing when is the next time I explode at God. Then again, I think He can handle it (He's so much bigger than my 2petty words) and I feel so safe, knowing that my faith does not have to be shrouded by a fake celebrative attitude all the time...

Well, I guess this week update, I decided to let you guys take a peek into my world. You are all probably wondering what the heck is DuCkY doing in Cambodia anyways? Welcome to my World.

From Monday to Thursday, I am teaching two courses of English (Starter and Pre-Intermediate). The Starter course starts everyday at 11:30AM-12:30PM and the Pre-Intermediate starts everyday at 5:30PM-6:30PM. All these courses take place at the dorm where the girls are living. Here's a picture of the place where I taught English. Originally, these courses were offer at the New Jerusalem church. However, dued to the low interest level (only dorm students showed up), the whole program (which actually consist of 4 different levels and 5 teachers) were cancelled. Instead, I got the opportunity to salvage the program. Luckily for me, the whole program are carefully planned already and there's even a teaching instructional manual and student guide book so I don't have to plan all the material (or else I'll be dead). Instead, I get to plan fun games to accompany the lesson! HURRAY! (Singing the alphabet backward for chocolate anybody?) That's the New Jerusalem Church when it was flooded.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I have to teach a Discipleship Training Session (which primarily focus on training leaders). It goes from 9:00AM-10:30AM on Tuesday and from 5:30PM-6:30PM on Wednesday. It's actually pretty challenging since most of the material are theologically indepth. Since I don't speak Khmer very well and my translator, who is my roomate, can't really understand English (especially when I try to explain theological concepts), it was quite challenging. I mostly rely on my charade and pictionary skill, which is pretty fun and put everybody at ease. I feel really humbled and always had to rely on the Spirit to give understanding. So far, it's been pretty good though. We have lots of fun learning and laughter (especially at my ugly drawings).

On Tuesday and Thursday, I have to attend a TEEac program. It is a Pastoral Training Program that explore the Gospel of Matthew indepth (and I mean VERY indepth). My mentor Bill Labbezoo teaches these classes, so I'm thankful that I don't really have to prepare any lesson for it. It starts at 4:30PM-5:30PM on both Tuesday and Thursday. To the right is a picture of where all the TEEac and Discipleship Program takes place.

And I have to attend a class on Friday that study the book of Hebrew verse by verse. The class starts at 4:00PM-5:00PM every Friday at the dorm.

Then there's Saturday Night Fellowship with the guys (very similar to floor meeting at RES) and church on Sunday. Then there's mentorship meeting on Wednesday morning at 10:00AM-11:00AM.

That's pretty much my schedule and as you can see, it's pretty packed. And I do get stressed and tired but that's what afternoon naps are for. Its so nice to be able to nap in the afternoon here. It really does rejuvenate you. I'm carrying this tradition back to Canada for sure! Unless I get fire on the job... LOL

That's pretty much my world for the next 8 months. However, it's not as bad as you may think because Cambodia is the one country that has the most holidays out of all the Asian country LOL. Maybe in the world. Apparently, there's like about 100 non-working days in a year LOL. I just started this schedule for like two weeks (after the week long holiday of pagodas visiting) and now I got another 2 weeks break because this week is the King's Birthday and the week after is the Water Festival. The interesting thing about holidays here in Cambodia is that everybody treat a holiday as extensive holidays. The King's birthday was suppose to be one day but people take like 3 days off... Then the majority of the people decided, "what the heck, might as well take a week off." So its very chill here. I also get no stress because of it. =)

The Free Time:

Well, you must also be wondering what the heck do I do for fun? Surprisingly, I do have lots of free time. And here's what I do in my free time.

I still manage to practice drum everyday. I brought my drum pad and double kick pedal to the dorm. What I usually do is I practice my drum rudiments while watching movies! They are dirt cheap here... I actually go to the market and buy a movie for like $1.50, which is pretty sweet. So I watch like about a movie a day LOL while practicing drum of course. So who say watching movie isn't a productive activity?

And on top of that, I still go to the gym 4-5 times a week. It is such an awesome gym because it have a ring and a dance floor too. And you get to work out shirtless and with sandals! I manage to make a couple of friends there and we worked out together. I will be posting up pictures of all my new friends in the next update. In addition, I breakdance and starting to learn hip hop with them and its been really fun. Since I came to the gym, I had been steadily becoming more healthy. I manage to shave off some pounds too which is a nice bonus.

And when I wakes up every morning (at like 7:00AM), I have plenty of time to do devotions before my day starts. And on top of that, I manage to squeeze in jogging every morning to wake me up and energize me for the day.

And of course, I study Khmer everyday for like an hour with my roommate. We don't have a set time to study Khmer but it usually happens at night. And in the day time, I get to practice what I learn the night before with the locals when I go to the market. It was so funny because some of them understands me but it takes me like 1 whole minute to produce a sentence. And you can kinda see their impatience starting to build up. LOL

Interesting Things This Week:

One of my friend at dorm got mugged. Two guys approached him with a knife and asked him for money. Since nobody in the dorm use any form of banking, he had his entire life saving on him. Thank God that his wallet was in his back pocket and after checking his knapsack for money, all they found where pens and books. They end up saying sorry to him and send him off to school instead of checking his back pockets. I'm always amaze at God's grace and protection over his children...

The road in our back alley is getting an overhaul by the government and now they are demanding each house to pay $1000USD. My landlord is very poor and she doesn't know how she can come up with this money. I would really appreciated if you guys (whoever reading this) will pray for her. It seems so unfair because I know for sure that fixing the road does not cost around $30000 USD (there's like 30 house on our block). Pray that corruption and extortion will cease to happen here... that people can live in peace and safety. And pray for good leaderships to be in high political position...

Spiritual Lesson of the Week:

I had two news this week that really shocked me (to the extreme) and made me reflect very deeply. God, you never seems to stop teaching...

Anyways, the first news I received is that I will be getting a free new laptop! My sister wanted to support me in Cambodia so she gave me $1000. Praised God! Because my old old laptop is well, OLD! I manage to sell it for $300USD, which is nice and asked my brother to get me a new laptop. I was expect a financial crunch due to this decision but my sister out of the blue offered to help. It was really a fresh windfall and the grace of God never seems to amazed me.

But the good news only highlighted the bad news that I had received... One of my cousin/niece died a couple of days ago... She was found in her bedroom dead. The authority wasn't sure it was foul play or suicide and the case is still under investigation. However, I do believe that she was not a Christian. We are not that close, in fact, I haven't seen her for years. However, upon hearing the news, I remember all the fun times we had when we were little, and play video games together... And I was very sad... One of the thing that touched me most is what my brother Hung said after he told me the news... "Life is very fleeting isn't it?"

Have you ever wonder why God is so good to you? That's the thought that went through my head... Why has God being so good to me? Who am I and what is my family that God has blessed me so much? Why am I so blessed? And here is my cousin, who do not know God and yet pass away at the tender age of 20... It made me reflect on my life and all the things that God has done in it... It made me sick... in fact so sick that I almost wanted to puke.. I'm so disgusted at how ungrateful I have been... And I'm definitely sick at the fact that it was so underserving... Its hard to describe the feeling but I feel so underserving that it is beyond my comprehension why God would care about an insignificant little speck like me who are here today and gone tomorrow. Even after all these blessings, my heart is still harden, my soul is still not fully devoted, and my spirit still in occasional rebellion... That makes me sick.. I detest myself... I just wish that there is something, anything, that I can offer back to Him... And yet, I find nothing... even the faith I have and the obedience that occasionally comes are from His Spirit inside of me...

And what's more sickening is that even these thoughts of realization only comes because of blessings and the contrast of lack of blessings... I wonder if God has not hedged me in and sheltered me from sufferings, would I be quick to recognize His grace still? I would not dare to say that I would... and that makes me all the more sick about the state of my fallenness... I love God because of what He's done... for me... sounds like self-love to me...

It is a very humbling reflection... My prayer request is for you guys to pray for the grieving family and hope that they will come to a saving knowledge of God's grace... That they will not perish without knowing their Redeemer...

Life is fleeting... Our only hope is in You Jesus. For where else can we go? And who else can we turn to? For You, and You alone, have the Word of Life...

A Hard Lesson on Grace

Hiya all. This blog update is a very personal update that I originally had decided not to share because I did not want to seem unspiritual, or even vulnerable. I was only going to share it with all the Onsiters through e-mails but I decided to put it on my blog because it is a testimony about God's greatness despite of my downfall. A month into Onsite and God has already been jumping on the bandwagon to teach me stuff. Some of the stuff God's teaching me is hard to swallow though because it is tough teachings...

Anyways, here is what prompted me to share this lesson on grace. When I arrived here in Phnom Penh, the first thing that I wanted to do was to get out there and really get to know people. As I go about the street, markets, and places, I noticed that I really really stand out as a foreigner. First of, I do not speak Khmer and secondly, I think my appearance may be very different. Wearing Versace glasses, spike hair, small eyes, wearing shorts and sleeveless is probably not the best thing if I tried to fit in. As I was going about doing my thing, I noticed that people really try to make money of me. Everything was very "expensive" and it made me really mad. It seems so unfair that I have to pay so much more when the guy next to me bought the same thing for half the price... So that's the drop of water that started to fill my bucket of rage...

Secondly, a few times I have been approached by many girls who wanted to drag me into their house to give me "massages". At first, I was really dissappointed with my fellow Vietnamese sisters. Then I got angry, wondering how could they sell their body for an amount that I would used to pay for my breakfast. I wanted to tell them that they are priceless, that they have great value, more than any amount of money could buy. But words evaded my lips. And it continues to drip drip drip, ever filling up the bucket inside of me.

Thirdly, I decided to do some research on the history of Cambodia in my free time. So I went out and bought a couple of documentaries since I could not find any history book in English here. As I was watching, I saw all the horrific atrocities that Pol Pot and his regime concocted that ended in the demise of 1/3 of the population. On one of the video that I watched, it features ex-Khmer Rouge who now works in the very prison that they used to tortured their victims as a tour guide. Because of their experiences, they were able to show what they did to their victims by re-nacting those horrific memories. As I was watching... it continues to drip drip drip. Until the very end of the documentary, the bucket finally overflowed...

I was so overwhelmed by the things that I had experienced and seen that I fell into prayers as I try to make sense of it all. The following is a transcript of my conversation with God:

Duc: God, why do evil exists? Why are people continually bend on doing evil to one another. It isn't fair at all in this country. From small injustice to great, it all exists here. It's just not fair.

God: What's not fair? What injustice are you talking about?

Duc: Well, for starter, it's not fair that I get ripped off by people here because they decided that it is profitable to ripped somebody off. That's not fair to show partiality. Just because I'm a foreigner does not give them the right to charge me an arm and leg for things. That's injustice.

God: Have you forgotten what it is like to be in need when you live in Vietnam since your youth? Or have all the luxuries that I lavished on you dulled your senses? These people needs are greater than you can imagine. And what's this about fairness? Did you not have a choice to say no? You did not need to buy but you decided to so don't complain when you have rightly exercise your freedom of choice as they have exercise their freedom to charge.

Duc: How about the injustice of the exploitation of the poor? How bout my fellow Vietnamese sisters who are out there? What has been done to help them? Why are people so evil, using each other for gains? Is there no mercy, no justice? Why are there foreigners who came here to exploit those who are in needs instead of helping them?

God: Why are you here Duc? Why is your mentor here? Many are called, few have answered. I continue to call, everyday I continue to call. Yet, as powerful as I am, I will not overrule people free will. I long for many to come yet far removed from the sight and plight of sufferings, few have answer those call. The important question is not why but what... What are you going to do about it? Will you be faithful to my calling and find a way to reach out or will you sit there, moped and complain and demand me for an answer? Beside, you already know the answer... As long as the kingdom has not arrive in all its fullness, there will always be evil. In fact, I have already told you that the days are evil, that in the last days, many hearts will grow cold. Just make sure yours won't...

Duc: Okay God, how about this... this seems like its beyond my comprehension. Look at all the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge. Just look it! It is horrible. What have been done to these men? What just sentence has been given to them? They slaughters millions of their countrymen. Yet, here they are, walking freely... Some are still soldiers, some are tour guide (re-nacting for tourists what they did in disgusting prisons), some are rich from previous gains by killing the poor, some are high ranked government officials... Is this justice? Has not David in his Psalms cries out for justice? Has not he declared that Your face will not look upon evil? Or is it that Solomon's proverbs are lies when he said the wicked will not go unpunished? Yet here, to the second and third generation, these people prospered. And still some continue to be rich and powerful... enough to be corrupted and continue to exploit the poor for selfish gains... What has been done to them? How can they be so corrupt, so evil, so cruel....? WHY!?

God: Yes, it is true that my face will not look on evil and I despite wrongdoings. My soul hates violence and yes, my servant David spoke correctly of me when he said that I will dashed those who are evil to pieces. But behold Duc and I will show you a better way. If it's justice you seek, shall I also bring my justice to you? Shall I judge you in the same way that you want me to judge them? Do you think your petty sins of swearing, or stealing, or lusting, or idolizing, or self-loving are not as great as murdering, torturing, harassing, and blood-lust? True that I do detest certain sins more so than others but don't be thinking for a second that you are guiltless. Do you truely think that these people are evil? What make you think they're so evil and you're so less? Is it because of your intellect that you value human rights? Or maybe your conscience tells you that peace is the best way to go? Maybe you are well versed in justice and righteousness because of a democratic country that you were raised in? I tell you the truth, you are just as evil... and everybody is just as evil. Do you not think that if given the same conditions, you would not do the very things that you had detested? What separate you from the Khmer Rouge? The environment that you were in and the way you were raised... And guessed who put you there? Chance? Is it not my grace that you have been spared? Has not my mighty hands deliver you from the plight of sufferings? Let me put it straight... The only thing that separated you and them is my grace. It is by grace that you have come to know me. It is only by grace that you have been spared to witness such evils or to participate in such evils. The only difference between you and them is that they do not know me Duc and you do. You were given the chance to know me, to have a relationship with me, to have my Spirit in you to cleanse you and built you into the likeness of my Son. Shall I judge them base on the circumstances that they were in? If so, I will pour out my judgment on you as well because I know well how you would turn out if given the same circumstances. Duc, my dear Duc, I will show you a greater way than justice... You, yourself, know full well that I am right. You know your past... My dear Duc, I will say again, the only different is that you know me. I hope that you will answer the same call as I have called my servant Abraham... I have blessed you with the opportunity to know me, to love me, to be conform into the likeness of my Son so that the nations will also be blessed through you. Instead of asking for justice, I hope that you will ask me to show Myself to them. I hope that you will pray to me to send my Spirit among them. I hope that you will be my hands and feet that they may know my tender touch. Be my voice that they may know My Name.

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By the time that this conversation was over, there was such a huge sense of guilt that swept over me. How could I be so foolish...? I really am a spoiled child that only look out for number one: me... What petty view on justice did I have? And the lesson was learnt... or so I thought...

God is truly a God whose words "will not return empty, but will accomplish what I [He] desire and achieve the purpose for which I [He] sent it." (Isaiah 55:11).

When I am writing this blog, I must confess that God has effectively reveal the depth of evil in my heart. Even after a moving conversation with Him where He show me such wisdom and love, I cannot come to be someone who is sympathic and understanding. God had decided to reveal my heart in an event that took place today...

As I was walking home from working out (aound 7:30PM), a man approached me. I did not want eye contact so I looked down instead, thinking that I'm showing proper respect. Before I knew it, he reached out, grabbed my necklace and tore it from me. In a quick reaction, I manage to use my left hand to hold onto it but he ripped out my cross that I was wearing. I still have the necklace but the cross was stolen from me. In a burst of rage and distraught, I decided that I wanted to run after him and really pound his face in. If it wasn't for his friends in the dark alley with him, I would have taken him out stone cold. He was a strawny guy after all...

I was so mad and once again finding myself questioning God. If it had been any other necklace, it would have been fine with me. But this was the one that my mother gave it to me for my birthday and I had wore it for like years. I have never taken it off and it felt like its a part of me. It was special because its the only religious gift my mommy has given me... almost like an approval of my relationship with Christ on her part.

Yet it was taken from me by force. And again, I question why people behave the way they do. And this is the honest confession...

Duc: God, did you just see that? I really wish you would do something... Like let me beat the crap out of him. Give me a chance, I know I can do it. I want my necklace back.

God: Have you so quickly forgotten the lesson that I have taught you? I'm dissappointed...

Duc: But God, that is not just a necklace. It's special. It has sentimental value, which cannot be replace...

God: Duc, that person is very valuable to me, he cannot be replace.

Duc: Its not like I'll kill him, geez, I just wanted my necklace back. Why are people so stupid? Geez, don't they know better?

God: Very amusing Duc... Very ironic. Say you did went after him and I deliver him into your hands... Yes, you will hurt him... And he will return your necklace... And he will extend his hands to you... he will open up his hand with a bruised face and fear in his eyes... only to give you back a silver cross that you have so treasured because it was a religious gift that your mommy has given you to symbolize sacrificial love? Think about it Duc...

Duc: You know what God, why do you always have to make things so complicated? Why must you always be right, it is so annoying!!!!! You know what!? I know I'm a sinful person... Okay, so what if given the circumstances, I would do the same thing as him. But I didn't do it yet! Geez!! Gosh! why is it so hard to learn something so simple!? Why must you always test me!? I know that it was You who had allow this to happen to test the heart to see if I had truely learn. Why must life be full of learning? Why must your teachings be so hard to swallow? Shall then I pray for him? shall I be a good little Christians boy and deny my feelings and offer up a prayer of forgiveness to him? Is that what you want God? Because in my heart, that's not how I feel. God!!!! Why am I so evil!? Is there no depth to the vileness of the human heart!?!?!? My spirit wants to follow you, to forgive, to pray for him to know you so that he will be given the same opportunity as me... But why does my heart say otherwise? Why does my emotions say get even, why does my emotions cry out for justice!? (in the selfish sense of the word) I detest myself... I detest my situations... I detest all the fire that you put me through just to test the heart and refine the soul... ARGHHHH!!!!!