A Hard Lesson on Grace

Hiya all. This blog update is a very personal update that I originally had decided not to share because I did not want to seem unspiritual, or even vulnerable. I was only going to share it with all the Onsiters through e-mails but I decided to put it on my blog because it is a testimony about God's greatness despite of my downfall. A month into Onsite and God has already been jumping on the bandwagon to teach me stuff. Some of the stuff God's teaching me is hard to swallow though because it is tough teachings...

Anyways, here is what prompted me to share this lesson on grace. When I arrived here in Phnom Penh, the first thing that I wanted to do was to get out there and really get to know people. As I go about the street, markets, and places, I noticed that I really really stand out as a foreigner. First of, I do not speak Khmer and secondly, I think my appearance may be very different. Wearing Versace glasses, spike hair, small eyes, wearing shorts and sleeveless is probably not the best thing if I tried to fit in. As I was going about doing my thing, I noticed that people really try to make money of me. Everything was very "expensive" and it made me really mad. It seems so unfair that I have to pay so much more when the guy next to me bought the same thing for half the price... So that's the drop of water that started to fill my bucket of rage...

Secondly, a few times I have been approached by many girls who wanted to drag me into their house to give me "massages". At first, I was really dissappointed with my fellow Vietnamese sisters. Then I got angry, wondering how could they sell their body for an amount that I would used to pay for my breakfast. I wanted to tell them that they are priceless, that they have great value, more than any amount of money could buy. But words evaded my lips. And it continues to drip drip drip, ever filling up the bucket inside of me.

Thirdly, I decided to do some research on the history of Cambodia in my free time. So I went out and bought a couple of documentaries since I could not find any history book in English here. As I was watching, I saw all the horrific atrocities that Pol Pot and his regime concocted that ended in the demise of 1/3 of the population. On one of the video that I watched, it features ex-Khmer Rouge who now works in the very prison that they used to tortured their victims as a tour guide. Because of their experiences, they were able to show what they did to their victims by re-nacting those horrific memories. As I was watching... it continues to drip drip drip. Until the very end of the documentary, the bucket finally overflowed...

I was so overwhelmed by the things that I had experienced and seen that I fell into prayers as I try to make sense of it all. The following is a transcript of my conversation with God:

Duc: God, why do evil exists? Why are people continually bend on doing evil to one another. It isn't fair at all in this country. From small injustice to great, it all exists here. It's just not fair.

God: What's not fair? What injustice are you talking about?

Duc: Well, for starter, it's not fair that I get ripped off by people here because they decided that it is profitable to ripped somebody off. That's not fair to show partiality. Just because I'm a foreigner does not give them the right to charge me an arm and leg for things. That's injustice.

God: Have you forgotten what it is like to be in need when you live in Vietnam since your youth? Or have all the luxuries that I lavished on you dulled your senses? These people needs are greater than you can imagine. And what's this about fairness? Did you not have a choice to say no? You did not need to buy but you decided to so don't complain when you have rightly exercise your freedom of choice as they have exercise their freedom to charge.

Duc: How about the injustice of the exploitation of the poor? How bout my fellow Vietnamese sisters who are out there? What has been done to help them? Why are people so evil, using each other for gains? Is there no mercy, no justice? Why are there foreigners who came here to exploit those who are in needs instead of helping them?

God: Why are you here Duc? Why is your mentor here? Many are called, few have answered. I continue to call, everyday I continue to call. Yet, as powerful as I am, I will not overrule people free will. I long for many to come yet far removed from the sight and plight of sufferings, few have answer those call. The important question is not why but what... What are you going to do about it? Will you be faithful to my calling and find a way to reach out or will you sit there, moped and complain and demand me for an answer? Beside, you already know the answer... As long as the kingdom has not arrive in all its fullness, there will always be evil. In fact, I have already told you that the days are evil, that in the last days, many hearts will grow cold. Just make sure yours won't...

Duc: Okay God, how about this... this seems like its beyond my comprehension. Look at all the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge. Just look it! It is horrible. What have been done to these men? What just sentence has been given to them? They slaughters millions of their countrymen. Yet, here they are, walking freely... Some are still soldiers, some are tour guide (re-nacting for tourists what they did in disgusting prisons), some are rich from previous gains by killing the poor, some are high ranked government officials... Is this justice? Has not David in his Psalms cries out for justice? Has not he declared that Your face will not look upon evil? Or is it that Solomon's proverbs are lies when he said the wicked will not go unpunished? Yet here, to the second and third generation, these people prospered. And still some continue to be rich and powerful... enough to be corrupted and continue to exploit the poor for selfish gains... What has been done to them? How can they be so corrupt, so evil, so cruel....? WHY!?

God: Yes, it is true that my face will not look on evil and I despite wrongdoings. My soul hates violence and yes, my servant David spoke correctly of me when he said that I will dashed those who are evil to pieces. But behold Duc and I will show you a better way. If it's justice you seek, shall I also bring my justice to you? Shall I judge you in the same way that you want me to judge them? Do you think your petty sins of swearing, or stealing, or lusting, or idolizing, or self-loving are not as great as murdering, torturing, harassing, and blood-lust? True that I do detest certain sins more so than others but don't be thinking for a second that you are guiltless. Do you truely think that these people are evil? What make you think they're so evil and you're so less? Is it because of your intellect that you value human rights? Or maybe your conscience tells you that peace is the best way to go? Maybe you are well versed in justice and righteousness because of a democratic country that you were raised in? I tell you the truth, you are just as evil... and everybody is just as evil. Do you not think that if given the same conditions, you would not do the very things that you had detested? What separate you from the Khmer Rouge? The environment that you were in and the way you were raised... And guessed who put you there? Chance? Is it not my grace that you have been spared? Has not my mighty hands deliver you from the plight of sufferings? Let me put it straight... The only thing that separated you and them is my grace. It is by grace that you have come to know me. It is only by grace that you have been spared to witness such evils or to participate in such evils. The only difference between you and them is that they do not know me Duc and you do. You were given the chance to know me, to have a relationship with me, to have my Spirit in you to cleanse you and built you into the likeness of my Son. Shall I judge them base on the circumstances that they were in? If so, I will pour out my judgment on you as well because I know well how you would turn out if given the same circumstances. Duc, my dear Duc, I will show you a greater way than justice... You, yourself, know full well that I am right. You know your past... My dear Duc, I will say again, the only different is that you know me. I hope that you will answer the same call as I have called my servant Abraham... I have blessed you with the opportunity to know me, to love me, to be conform into the likeness of my Son so that the nations will also be blessed through you. Instead of asking for justice, I hope that you will ask me to show Myself to them. I hope that you will pray to me to send my Spirit among them. I hope that you will be my hands and feet that they may know my tender touch. Be my voice that they may know My Name.

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By the time that this conversation was over, there was such a huge sense of guilt that swept over me. How could I be so foolish...? I really am a spoiled child that only look out for number one: me... What petty view on justice did I have? And the lesson was learnt... or so I thought...

God is truly a God whose words "will not return empty, but will accomplish what I [He] desire and achieve the purpose for which I [He] sent it." (Isaiah 55:11).

When I am writing this blog, I must confess that God has effectively reveal the depth of evil in my heart. Even after a moving conversation with Him where He show me such wisdom and love, I cannot come to be someone who is sympathic and understanding. God had decided to reveal my heart in an event that took place today...

As I was walking home from working out (aound 7:30PM), a man approached me. I did not want eye contact so I looked down instead, thinking that I'm showing proper respect. Before I knew it, he reached out, grabbed my necklace and tore it from me. In a quick reaction, I manage to use my left hand to hold onto it but he ripped out my cross that I was wearing. I still have the necklace but the cross was stolen from me. In a burst of rage and distraught, I decided that I wanted to run after him and really pound his face in. If it wasn't for his friends in the dark alley with him, I would have taken him out stone cold. He was a strawny guy after all...

I was so mad and once again finding myself questioning God. If it had been any other necklace, it would have been fine with me. But this was the one that my mother gave it to me for my birthday and I had wore it for like years. I have never taken it off and it felt like its a part of me. It was special because its the only religious gift my mommy has given me... almost like an approval of my relationship with Christ on her part.

Yet it was taken from me by force. And again, I question why people behave the way they do. And this is the honest confession...

Duc: God, did you just see that? I really wish you would do something... Like let me beat the crap out of him. Give me a chance, I know I can do it. I want my necklace back.

God: Have you so quickly forgotten the lesson that I have taught you? I'm dissappointed...

Duc: But God, that is not just a necklace. It's special. It has sentimental value, which cannot be replace...

God: Duc, that person is very valuable to me, he cannot be replace.

Duc: Its not like I'll kill him, geez, I just wanted my necklace back. Why are people so stupid? Geez, don't they know better?

God: Very amusing Duc... Very ironic. Say you did went after him and I deliver him into your hands... Yes, you will hurt him... And he will return your necklace... And he will extend his hands to you... he will open up his hand with a bruised face and fear in his eyes... only to give you back a silver cross that you have so treasured because it was a religious gift that your mommy has given you to symbolize sacrificial love? Think about it Duc...

Duc: You know what God, why do you always have to make things so complicated? Why must you always be right, it is so annoying!!!!! You know what!? I know I'm a sinful person... Okay, so what if given the circumstances, I would do the same thing as him. But I didn't do it yet! Geez!! Gosh! why is it so hard to learn something so simple!? Why must you always test me!? I know that it was You who had allow this to happen to test the heart to see if I had truely learn. Why must life be full of learning? Why must your teachings be so hard to swallow? Shall then I pray for him? shall I be a good little Christians boy and deny my feelings and offer up a prayer of forgiveness to him? Is that what you want God? Because in my heart, that's not how I feel. God!!!! Why am I so evil!? Is there no depth to the vileness of the human heart!?!?!? My spirit wants to follow you, to forgive, to pray for him to know you so that he will be given the same opportunity as me... But why does my heart say otherwise? Why does my emotions say get even, why does my emotions cry out for justice!? (in the selfish sense of the word) I detest myself... I detest my situations... I detest all the fire that you put me through just to test the heart and refine the soul... ARGHHHH!!!!!